Oh hey! Haven't seen this blog in a while. Well thats the way life is right? You get distracted with things more important like, I don't know, a job?
Many times I get distracted with the idea of, was this what my life was supposed to pan out to be?
I really dreamed I would be a working actor in New York City with two parents, a dog, and a long term partner. Do I have any of those things at the moment? No I do not. As I reflect on grief in my life, sometimes I grieve the could have beens.
I moved to LA because it was warm. Now there are fires and droughts and heat where you can't go outside. I work a corporate job (don't get me wrong-- a dream) but I don't see the creative fulfillment I once had a twinkle in my eye of a dream of performing.
My mom died in 2018, and if she were alive today, during a pandemic, what mask would she wear? Would she sitting at home not leaving the house every day? Would she volunteer at a vaccination clinic? What would our zooms every Sunday look like?
I don't have a dog. I have no reason not to honestly. Maybe I should look into that.
I just had a breakup. He really was a perfect human being, but I clearly have so much to work on myself before I can give that to someone. Maybe that's the shitty part of going through constant trauma. You enter a relationship and already start to grieve it because life has taught you that you don't deserve good things to last. I hope I am proven wrong someday.
